


What now?

by verati



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Emotionally Stunted Character, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 17:10:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15800964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verati/pseuds/verati
Summary: An interaction between Jon and Sansa leaves her confused. Has she become so adept at hiding behind a cold façade that even she doesn’t know her own feelings? Set after the end of the war against the Night King.





	What now?

My heart aches. It’s a dull, and weathered kind of ache but it is there. And I am tired. Tired of pretending to not feel when it seems my feelings want to drown me. I have gone so far as to try to deceive myself, I know it. There are moments where even I do not know what my true feelings, thoughts, are.

“How are you today? By the way, I heard we received a new shipment of lace that’s waiting in White Harbor.”

My neck is stiff from being bent over my desk. I act as if I had not been aware of his coming into the room until he spoke. I give him a quick, unaffected glance. “I’m fine, trying to finish reading through these missives. As for the lace,” I continue to read the parchment held in my hand “I know it was you who ordered it. Whatever for, I have no idea. It is another extravagance we cannot afford right now.”

Without looking up I can tell Jon is surprised I know about his lace order. I presume he meant it as a gift, thinking of a young Sansa who loved pretty things. But in the cold who has need for such frivolities?

“I’m sorry. I’ll think twice before ordering anything again.”

His tone makes me look up to regard him. He sounds...almost mad. No, not the right word. _Frustrated_ might be a better word. The tips of his ears are red and the small dip in between his eyebrows grows deeper. It is moments like these where I notice how cold I’ve become. I have managed to spurn a thoughtful gift from someone I care about without a regard for their feelings. Trying to remedy the stituation I stand and make my way over to Jon.

His shoulders tense visibly underneath his cloak. I stand before him surveying his face and stance. It seems I make him uneasy. Or at least a tad uncomfortable. What have I done that even my own family doesn’t feel comfortable around me? Setting that question aside for another time I take his gloved hands in mine.

“That is not what I want at all. You are the king. If anything, you are the one with the most right to order whatever you want,” here my lips quirk up, “within reason.”

He seems to focus more on our intertwined hands than on my words. His thumbs work circles into my hand. His warmth permeates through the leather. “I wanted to gift you something for all the work you’ve done for Winterfell. Aye, it might’ve been a bit expensive but—believe me—it was cheaper than the crate of lemons I was thinking of getting you.”

At that I can’t help but let a laugh escape. A crate of lemons in winter! He finally looks up at the sound of my laugh with his own small smile. “If I had known this is what it takes to get you to _truly_ laugh, I would’ve ordered that lace months ago.”

His words and their implications immediately cause me to retract within myself. Truly laugh? So, he doesn’t believe me when I act happy. If I am honest with myself I had started to believe my own charade.

Smiling, I begin to unlace our hands. “Your gift will be put to great use, don’t worry. I might even add some of it to the next pair of trousers I make for you.”

Taking the jest for what it was, Jon sends me a glance I cannot quite understand before kissing me on the forehead and leaving the solar. I am left standing alone in the middle of the room. I feel underwhelmed yet confused by the sudden emptiness his departure caused. The quietness I once took as peaceful now only feels lonely.


End file.
